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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Almost Got 'Im" from season one, which aired on November 10, 1992. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension.

THE MEETING

  • Joker: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.
  • Penguin: That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.
  • Joker: No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.
  • Two-Face: Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
  • "Killer Croc": Hun?
  • Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy but...
  • Joker: Eh... You're always seeing double.
  • Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mother blew off a piece of his face.
  • Joker: Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! Uh, no offense, Harv.
  • Two-Face: Just deal.
  • "Croc": Well, you know what I think?
  • Joker: Not the robot theory again.
  • "Croc": Well, he could be.
  • Poison Ivy: Hello, boys. Get me an herbal tea and deal me in!
  • "Croc": Scram, lady! This is a private- uugghh! - Why you little... ugh!
  • Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
  • Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking half-way decent.
  • Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle you.
  • Ivy: And what does the other half want?
  • Two-Face: To hit you with a truck.
  • Ivy': We used to date.
  • Joker & Penguin: Ah...
  • Penguin: What bring such a dainty dove to this dismal den?
  • Ivy: Running from the law, and the Batman too, or course.
  • Penguin: Of course.
  • Joker: Like-wise.
  • Two-Face: You got it.
  • "Croc": Same here. You think one of us would've got 'im by now!
  • Penguin: I've come the closest!
  • Ivy: Are you kidding?! I was the one who nearly-
  • Two-Face: Nobody's come closer to snapping the Batman than me!

(unintelligible chatter)

  • Joker: The fact of the matter is, we each have an "Almost Got' Im" Batman story. I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway. I'd say ladies first, but since we don't have any, (Chuckles) we'll start with you, Pam.


EXPLODING PUMPKINS

  • Ivy: Alright. This happened last Halloween. I had reap thousands of pumpkins to blow out poison ivy gas when they were lit. I knew Batman would show soon as Gotham started scratching. In fact, I was counting on it.

FLASHBACK

  • Ivy: Trick or treat! - It's midnight, darling. Time to unmask!
  • Batman: Poison gas...!
  • Ivy: It's just the darnedest thing! I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, the pain and suffering of others. Go figure. Bye.

PRESENT

  • Ivy: And that's how I almost got 'im!
  • Joker: With exploding pumpkins?
  • Ivy: I'd like to hear you do better!
  • Joker: Oh, you will, but I'm saving the best for last!
  • Two-Face: Can't be better than mine!


GIANT PENNY

  • Two-Face: There was this time I had just robbed the Gotham Mint of 2 millions in 2 dollar bills! Lucky for me, I brought along the "Two Ton Gang".

FLASHBACK

  • Two-Face: The coin says you lose, Batman. Tie him up! And just so you don't get any ideas... We'll see how tough you are without your toys!

PRESENT

  • "Croc": So what happened next?
  • Two-Face: I thought as long as I have Batman in my mercy, he deserved a fifty-fifty chance

FLASHBACK

  • Two-Face: Here's the deal. The coin lands face down, you'll be squashed flat. It lands face up, it'll just break every bone in your body. - Hey! Where's my coin! Anybody see where I... Oh NO! No! Drop it now!
  • Batman: Here, I owe you a dollar.

PRESENT

  • Two-Face: And if weren't for this blasted coin, I woulda got him!
  • Joker: Gee, that's two bad, Harv. But I guess you'll always come in second. Anyone else want to go?
  • "Croc": ME! There I was, hold up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around. He was gettin' closer, closer...
  • "Ivy": And?
  • "Croc": I threw a rock at him!

...
...

  • Ivy: So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?
  • "Croc": It was a big rock...
  • "Two-Face": They actually let him keep it! - Whose deal is it?
  • Penguin: Mine.


AVIARY OF DOOM

  • Penguin: I find your meedly machinations mildly diverting. But for sheer criminal genius, none surpasses my most recent ornothologically-inspired entoilment.
  • Joker: Smaller words, please. You're losing, Croc.
  • "Croc": Uhhh...
  • Penguin: For weeks I let rumors circulate through the underworld of my plan to steal a pair of priceless ...... condors from the Gotham Zoo. Sure enough on the appointed night, guess who showed up.

FLASHBACK

  • Penguin: Curses, I would grab the wrong umbrella! - Welcome, my ebon-winged adversary! You have taken the bait as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end within my aviary of doom!

PRESENT

  • Ivy: Aviary of what?
  • Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
  • Penguin: Bah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway there he was in my av-- big bird house.

FLASHBACK

  • Penguin: Beautiful, aren't they? Like glittering fragments of the rainbow. By the way, that mist I sprayed on you, is derived from the nectar these birds drink! It's quite harmless; but their poisoned tip beaks however are not. A scratch or two will merely slow you down, three or four and you'll start to get ....... and after that, well I wish I could say it was nice knowing you. - Oh, well played. Now, you'll take a poison antidote from your ........ belt and I suggest you do it quickly, before my ......... razor sharp talons bring you asunder.

PRESENT

  • Penguin: Naturally, I had flew the coup by the time he escaped. Still, I almost got im!
  • Joker: Not even close! You see, the thing you're forgetting, is there are all sorts of ways to get someone! Tame my latest run-in with Batsy! It was just last night! As the entire country was tuning in to it's favorite talk show!


LAUGH AND DIE

  • Harley Quinn: It's late night Gotham live! And here's the man who puts a smile on your face, whether you want it or not, the Joker!
  • Joker: Good evening, folks, I'm the Joker! Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show — but it helps! We've got a real treat for you kids. I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank. You know him as The Dark Knight, but we prefer to think of him as history. Here he is, the one and only, Batman. - We're back! With my extra special guest. So, how's Robin? - Oh, moving right along. You know kids, we've got an item here no home should be without: the laughter activated electric chair! Yes sir, the ........ ........ ......... starts the ........ generator, revving up towards maximum zapping! Harley! (kids cheering)
  • Harley: Ha! Ha! Ha!
  • Joker: But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience full of my patented laughing gas! These ....... will laugh at anything now, even the phone book!
  • Harley: Martin Abnett 555-8976 - Yarold Adams 555-9011 ..... Adison 555-.... - Hey!
  • Catwoman: Show's over, Joker!
  • Joker: Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for her! (kids cheering)

PRESENT

  • Two-Face: Almost got 'im!
  • Penguin: Yes, if not for that infatuated feline!
  • Joker: Oh, but that's the best part! Once the chair went up, I was out of there ....... ..........! Miss Kitty still wanted to play cat and mouse. Never dreaming I still had an ace up my sleeve! - And by golly speaking of aces, lookey 'ere!
  • Two-Face: I can't believe his luck!
  • "Croc": ........
  • Penguin: Let me see those cards!
  • Joker: Now, now. No sore losers!
  • "Croc": Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?
  • Joker: Aww, c'mon, Crockers! Didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed at the Pussykins Petfood factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. Ha ha ha!
  • "Croc": (in Batman's voice) I don't think so.
  • Joker: Was it something I said?
  • Penguin: Well, well. An imposter in out midsts!
  • Ivy: Risking everything for your kitty, Batman?
  • Two-Face: You're not getting out of this one.
  • Batman: Maybe. - But I'm not bad with traps myself!


ALMOST GOT 'IM

(A bound and gagged Catwoman struggles against her restrains, uttering garbled cries)

  • Harley: I had a kitty once! Y'know, they don't always land on their feet. (Catwoman growls angrily into her gag) Look on the bright side! Tomorrow, you'll be feeding hundreds of hungry cats! The fun starte as soon as Mr. J comes back!
  • Batman: Don't wait up.
  • Harley: Back off, Bats, and say ciao to your girlfriend. Cat chow, that is. That's a good little rodent, and just to make sure you don't follow me. - Gee Batman, what are you gonna do? Kick me around or save your kitty? You've only got time for one. (Without letting go of her, Batman shuts off the electricity, stopping the cat food machine.) Heh, heh... good call. Help!

AFTERMATH

  • Catwoman: Thanks for coming after me.
  • Batman: I owed you.
  • Catwoman: Well, I'd like to think our relationship isn't just restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdos, and that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, without the freaks, maybe without masks. (She leans forward to kiss him)
  • Batman: Maybe.

(Catwoman is distracted by the sound of a siren, and turns to see Batman swinging away)

  • Catwoman: Hmm. Almost got him.

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