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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?" from season one, which aired on November 18, 1992. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension.

EDWARD NYGMA

  • Daniel Mockridge: Miss Welbach
  • Miss Welbach: Yes, Mr. Mockridge?
  • Mockridge: Has Edward Nygma come in yet?
  • Miss Welbach: I don't think so.
  • Mockridge: Good. If you need me, I'll be down on the eigth floor.
  • Edward Nygma: What's going on here? Where's my office? My door was right here!
  • Janitor: "Was" is right.
  • Nygma: What's the meaning of this?
  • Mockridge: What does it look like, Eddie? You're out of here. You're history. You're fired. Comprende?
  • Nygma: Have you lost what passes for your mind? You can't afford to do without me, Mockridge!
  • Mockridge: I can if you're gonna sue me for royalties!
  • Nygma: I created the Riddle of the Minotaur game. This company is making millions from my genius!
  • Mockridge: Competitron's success didn't come from the product, Nygma. Competitron is a corporate attitude, its strength is in the board room, the deal, the contract! Specifically the work for hire contract you signed.
  • Nygma: You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this. Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!
  • Mockridge: Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

TWO YEARS LATER

  • Mockridge: So I've made sure that Competitron owns all rights to Riddle of the Minotaur, free and clear. Considering all the licencing and merchandising; well heck, we just build a Minotaur amusement park outside this city! And if we had to pay royalties and all that to the creator...
  • Bruce Wayne: You can stop pitching Mockridge. I want this deal so I can move Competitron to Gotham. This city desperately needs the jobs it will create.
  • Mockridge: Uh... what's he trying to...
  • Bruce: What did you say? Mockridge? Are you okay? Mockridge!
  • Mockridge: er... we'll have to wrap this up later, guys. Something's come up! Excuse me.
  • Lucius Fox: Well, whatever that meant it sure rattled his cage.
  • Bruce: "Why do multi million dollar deals...

BATCAVE PLAYZONE

  • Batman: ...break down in the wasteland?" It has to have a double meaning!
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Master Dick, that must be quite a computer game to be worth tying up a fifty-million dollar computer.
  • Dick Grayson: Not "a game", Alfred. THE game. Riddle of the Minotaur! It's really cool, look. Not only you have to avoid all these traps, but you gotta solve all these riddles! "What is the shortest distance between a point in Nome, Alaska and a point in Miami, Florida?" A straight line, what else!
  • Alfred: Begging your pardon, young sir, but might not the answer on a globe be a curved line?
  • Batman: Wasteland... wasteland...
  • Alfred: My word!
  • Dick: Oh, that! That's the hand of fate. When you make a mistake it picks you up and takes you to another part of the maze.
  • Batman: Doesn't Mockridge own a club downtown called The Wasteland?
  • Dick: The Wasteland! Uughhh!
  • Batman: Right! The Wasteland.
  • Dick: I mean in the game! It's a dead end, see?
  • Batman: Come on! Daniel Mockridge has been walking into a trap!

THE WASTELAND

  • Mockridge: Nygma? Nygma!?
  • Nygma: Decoded that message all by yourself, Mockridge? Or did you have help?
  • Mockridge: You're trespassing, Nygma. Get out! You can't kill this deal. I'm selling out to Wayne and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
  • Nygma: Of course there isn't. You don't understant. I have a proposition for you.
  • Mockridge: You've come up with a new game?
  • Nygma: This? No, this puzzle is far more than any mere game. Wouldn't you agree? Or do you need to try it yourself? Solve it! Then we'll talk.
  • Mockridge: Oh, for crying out loud. What is this, some kind of extortion scheme?
  • Riddler: You think I want money? Not anymore! What I want now is you.

THE RIDDLER

  • Batman: Empty!
  • Nygma: Well, well. Bat-something or other, isn't it? Who invited you? You know what happens to gatecrashers? They have to match wits with... The Riddler!
  • Batman: "The Riddler"? What is that, Nygma? Some kind of joke on your name?
  • Robin: Nygma?
  • Riddler: My, my. Can we actually have a brain beneath that pointy cowl of ours? So tell me, have you brawn to match?
  • Robin: I love that trick, but I can never make it work.
  • Riddler: Let's consider you... handled... for now, shall we?
  • Robin: Coming through!
  • Riddler: Well done, Batman! But have you wits enough to save two people!? at the same time? It's my own variation on the chinese finger puzzle.
  • Mockridge: Batman, you gotta help me! I can pay you Batman! Anything you want! Ba-a-a-tma-a-an!
  • Robin: (Inside the finger puzzle) Hey! It's getting hot in here! Get me out of this thing!

PUZZLE GALORE

  • Robin: What do you mean, "a joke on his name"? You know who he is?
  • Batman: I figured the creator of the minotaur game was behind this the minute I saw that billboard. I read all about him on the company records I examined. His name's Nygma. Edward Nygma.
  • Robin: I get it. E. Nygma. Meaning a puzzle. A riddle. An enigma! At least we know who we're looking for. Hey Bruce, look! - The lights! Why are they all flashing?
  • Batman: It's morse code!
  • Riddler: That should get their attention!
  • Henchman: But why? You got the man you wanted.
  • Riddler: Batman knows who I am. We'll have to put him and his snot nosed cohort out of the way first.
  • Batman: Come on!
  • Robin: What did it say?
  • Batman: "When is the Minotaur's owner as high as an elephant's eye?"
  • Robin: Hmm... Well, Mockridge owns the Minotaur, but what's as high as an elephant's eye?
  • Batman: Corn.
  • Robin: Corn?
  • Batman: From an old song lyric; before your time.
  • Robin: So, what's he saying, "When Mockridge is corny?" "When Mockridge is in the corn?"
  • Batman: What's another word meaning corn?
  • Robin: Uh, kernel? Cob?
  • Batman: Maize! "When Mockridge is in the maize!"
  • Robin: The maze at the amusement park!
  • Batman: Exactly.

RIDDLE OF THE MINOTAUR

  • Batman: Where's Mockridge?
  • Riddler: In the center of the maze! Along with the minotaur robot. I've programmed it to destroy him at exactly 4:30 am. Which gives you less than... 10 minutes to run the maze and find him! But first!... throw down your utility belts. It would be more interesting that way, don't you think? Now, you may enter. - Oh, and by the way, you'll have to answer the riddle of the Minotaur, too!
  • Batman: I can't wait. How far did you say you'd gotten in the game?
  • Robin: Now, I'm not sure. Maybe halfway?
  • Batman: (Sarcastically) Already I love this. - Now, where to?
  • Robin: I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
  • Batman: Could you do it more quickly?
  • Robin: Oh, the griffin. That just blocks off the way you came, that's all!
  • Riddler: Except I've added an improvement of my own.
  • Robin: "Loser's Ahead?" Duck!
  • Batman: "Loses a head". I don't know what's worse, the traps or the puns.
  • Robin: I guess this isn't a good time to tell you, nobody's ever made it to the center of the maze.
  • Batman: I'll find Mockridge if I have to tear this place apart, Nygma!
  • Riddler: I doubt it. I made sure the perils were quite lethal. You have eight minutes, gentlemen. Then Mockridge becomes the only good corporate shark: a dead one.
  • Robin: Oh, great. You don't happen to know arabic, do you?
  • Batman: No, but I can translate it. "Which way to the eating place?"
  • Robin: Uhh.. terrific! Let's just pick one and move! - We're going the wrong way! Cuz here comes the hand of fate!
  • Batman: Of course! We went to the left, but in the arab world you always eat with your right hand.
  • Robin: We gotta use one of these keys.
  • Batman: Yes, but which one? And why are they labeled A C and D?
  • Robin: Don't look at me!
  • Batman: Let's try D.
  • Robin: Look out! Try another one.
  • Batman: Okay. A this time.
  • Robin: No. Wait. Turn that key and there'll be three blades.
  • Batman: But how do you...
  • Robin: It's the C key. Trust me. It's a musical puzzle. The key of D has two sharps. The key of A has three.
  • Batman: But the key of C has no sharps.
  • Robin: "Shortest distance between two points on a globe?" That one I remember.
  • Riddler: One minute, Batman.
  • Batman: Stay here.
  • Robin: But that's the wrong door!
  • Batman: I know.
  • Robin: But the hand--
  • Batman: That's what I want.
  • Robin: Batman! Batman, where are you?
  • Riddler: Forget it, kid. I "handed" him his walking papers.
  • Batman: Get on!
  • Robin: Just one question. How?
  • Batman: I linked it to my palmtop computer.
  • Riddler: That is grand scale cheating, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!
  • Batman: I don't believe in fate!
  • Riddler: You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the riddle.
  • Minotaur: I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?
  • Batman: That's simple: the human brain. It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.
  • Riddler: A lucky guess. That's all. But in won't save you, Batman. Destroy them!
  • Batman: I solved your riddle, Nygma! Now here's one for you: "How do you take out a Minotaur with a single blow?" Like this! You're through, Nygma.
  • Riddler: Sorry boys, but you'll never find me. I'm not even in the amusement park and by the time you get out of the maze, I'll be out of the city!

AFTERMATH

  • Dick: I guess the Mayor's happy about this.
  • Bruce: Bringing in $5.5 million a year in new jobs will do that.
  • Dick: But that creep, Mockridge got to pocket a cool ten mill from the buyout. What a burn.
  • Bruce: Maybe. But we've been searching for the Riddler for months and he's still out there. (Cut to Mockridge, who's clutching a gun, as he nervously tiptoes to bed)
  • Bruce (Voisecover): Mockridge may have his money, but he won't be sleeping well. How much is a goodnight sleep worth? Now there's a riddle for you.

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