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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Joker's Favor" from season one, which aired on September 11, 1992. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension.

CHARLIE COLLINS

  • Radio Reporter #1: ... has escaped today. He is armed and considered extremely dangerous. If seen...
  • Charlie Collins: Oh, swell! Some nut makes trouble and for that, makes me late for the ball game! Perfect ending for an awful day. Boss turns me down for a raise, my kid needs braces, and Bonnie's making meat loaf for dinner... at what point exactly did I become life's punching bag? (police passes by in a chase) Uh? What's their hurry? (The Batmobile passes by) Sheesh! Go on, push me aside, big shot! No reason anyone should move over and make way for Charlie Collins. (Car pushes him aside again) HEY! Oh, that's it! No signal, no nothing! Just treat me like I don't exist. Sorry comrade, not this time! (Charlie chases the car and yells at the driver while shaking his fist) Hey buddy! Yeah, I'm talking to you clown! You think you own the whole road? Well, for two cents I'd-- (realizes the driver is the Joker and quickly changes his fist to a handwave before driving away) That was the Joker! I cussed out the Joker! (Charlie tries to escape) Where'd all the cops go? (Joker finds him and Charlie tries to escape, but the car breaks) Go! Go! GO! Come on!
  • Joker: There's your two cents! Now, what are you going to do to me?
  • Charlie: L-listen, I'm s-sorry, r-really! I had a bad day! Boss turned down my raise...
  • Joker: Now, look, my rude friend, we can't have people cursing at each on the freeway. It's simply not polite! (jumps and grabs Charlie) I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.
  • Charlie: Please don't! I have a family! A wife! A little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! ANYTHING!
  • Joker: Anything, says you?
  • Charlie: Uh-huh
  • Joker: Okie-dokie! - Wallet.
  • Charlie: Sure.... I don't have much cash...
  • Joker: Oh, please! Don't insult me! (Reads the ID) Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk-tsk, lousy picture tho, lousy! Address, height, weight, bla, bla, bla. Right-e-o, Chuckles! Here's the deal, I let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me!
  • Charlie: Uh---OK. What?
  • Joker: I DON'T KNOW! I haven't thought of it yet! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good. Great! I'll be in touch. HeHeHeHe

HONORABLE MENTION

  • Commissioner Gordon: It's a waste of time, money and man-power. If I had the authority to block it, I would.
  • Harvey Bullock: C'mon, Commissioner! It's free eats and you get your picture in a paper! It's a good deal!
  • Gordon: Testimonial in honor of Police Commissioner James Gordon. Tuesday night, the Gotham's Peregrinator Club. Blasted waste of time!
  • Batman: Most of the force would disagree with you.
  • Gordon: If anyone should be getting a testimonial, it's you.
  • Batman: I'm just the night shift. You deal with this mess twenty-four hours a day. That's what those people want to honor.
  • Gordon: OK, OK. What the heck! It's a fancy club, good food... could be fun. You don't know where I can rent a tux, d-do you? (Batman disappears) I hate it when he does that!

MEET HARLEY

  • Joker: I arranged another early parole as soon as I heard about Gordon's testimonial. Phoo!
  • Harley Quinn: It is a laugh, uh, Mr. J?
  • Joker: I ask you Harley, who's given more hours of amusement to the Gotham Police Force than me?
  • Harley: No one, Mr. J.
  • Joker: I deserve...nay... DEMAND the right to honor our dear commissioner as well.
  • Harley: Gonna call an especialist boss?
  • Joker: No, no. Just an old friend, who's dying to do me a favor!

MEANWHILE, CHARLIE IS AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY

  • Charlie: Good one, Kenny! -The one for long bomb?- (the phone rings) I got it! Hello?
  • Joker: Hello, Charlie.
  • Charlie: Wrong number pal, my name is Don.
  • Joker: Oh, no no no. This is the right number. Charles Michael Collins, oh I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale - Ohio. One might think you were trying yo skip out on our little deal. Leave the sideburns
  • Charlie: How did you find me?
  • Joker: Oh, I never lost you, Charles! You've become my hobby! HA HA AHHAHAHA Now, listen up, Charlie Brown! You'll book on the next flight to Gotham. Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend. Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, K? Bad things happen to people who gossip. Capice, Carlo?
  • Charlie: Yeah.
  • Joker: Good! See ya!

JOKER'S FAVOR

  • Lady: Gotham Airflight 32, now arriving from Springdale.
  • Charlie: (on thoughts) This is crazy! I can't believe I'm doing this! If only I had some way to... I dunno, call him! (Batman)
  • Harleen: Hiiii! It goes this way, Charlie.
  • Joker: Jumping Jiminy Christmas! Charlie Collins. It’s been forever. How are you man? You look great! Lost a little weight. Lost a little hair, too. HAHA Oh, Charlie! Charlie, Charlie Charlie! So, ready to do me that little favor?
  • Charlie: Please, don't make me hurt anyone!
  • Joker: Not to worry, Chuckers! As soon as you've done my favor, I'll send you right back home! I promise! - O-Kay, Chaz. When Harley knocks on the door three times you open it.
  • Charlie: And...?
  • Joker: That's it.
  • Charlie: Wait... That's the favor? You called me here just to open a door?
  • Joker: Well, look at the size of that cake, man! She can't open the door and push it in all at once! Think!
  • Charlie: He's nuts!

THE TESTIMONIAL ATTACK

  • Bullock: (eating) Not bad...
  • Bruce: Congratulations, Jim. I'm sorry I won't be able to stay for dinner.
  • Gordon: Hm... the life of a busy socialite. Any way I could sneak out with you?
  • Charlie: A room full with cops and no way to warn them. If there were just some way to call Batman. - Un? No way. It'd never work. Not in a million... well, maybe...
  • Alfred Pennyworth: Not staying for dinner, sir?
  • Bruce: Not with the Joker on the loose.
  • Alfred: Sir, I believe you may be needed inside.
  • Gordon: I'm honored that Gotham's Finest turned out to (re... bows?) with this tired, old, beat cop.
  • Bullock: You eating that (r.....) Montoya?
  • Gordon: I'm really, very touched and I conclude by saying--
  • Harley: Don't stop now, Jimmy! The party's just startin'!
  • Bullock: Hmm; baby doll; entertainment! Hey, sugar, you wanna read me my rights?
  • Harley: You have the right to remain silent! - Jerk. - Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G., you lock up the weirdos, the crooks, and the geeks. You're a hero to all the boys in blue, but this time, baby, the joke's on you.
  • Joker: Ye-es! Another stunning Joker entrance leaves the crowd speechless! Let's hear it for him, folks!
  • Harley: Yeah! Woo woo woo woo woo! Yeah! Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop! Gee, tough audience.
  • Joker: Comm-m-m-m-m-missioner! I'm here to present you with a small token of affection from me and all the guys doing 25 to life! (Harley affixes a bomb to the Commissioner) Wear it in good health, all remaining 59 seconds of it! Toodles!
  • Charlie: Wait! You promised to send me home!
  • Joker: I never said "alive"!
  • Charlie: You dirty, evil...
  • Joker: Sayonara, sucker!

BATMAN SAVES THE DAY

  • Charlie: Batman! The commissioner's lapel, it's a bomb!
  • Joker: Guess I'll have to find a new hobby now that old Charlie Collins is... Pfft!
  • Harley: Macrame's nice.

(explosion)

  • Joker: That came from outside! Rocco, Henshaw! I smell a bat! Quick! To the van!
  • Harley: Uh, Mr. J...
  • Joker: Ookay, we'll tough it out here.
  • Batman: He called you his "hobby"?
  • Charlie: Yeah, for two years he watched me like a bug in a jar. Watch, and ( ---- ) and threatened my family! I had no choice Batman, really!
  • Batman: The gas is wearing off. Stay with the cops.
  • Harley: I know. You're thinking "What a shame, a pure innocent little thing like her, led astray by bad companions.
  • Batman: Right. Tell me another.
  • Harley: Oh...beauty school is starting to look pretty good about now.
  • Joker: Ingenious the way they reconstructed this temple. Completely accurate! Right down to the poisoned tip darts! - The dropaway floor is a nice touch too. - Catch!

CHARLIE BREAKS FREE

  • Charlie: Hold it!
  • Joker: Oh, come on!
  • Charlie: I said, HOLD IT!
  • Joker: You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!
  • Charlie: You're not getting caught, not this time. (shows him the bomb) I found this blown out of the van. This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes. No grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley alongside a miserable little nobody. Kind of funny. Ironic, really. See, I can destroy a man's dreams too, and that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?
  • Joker: Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with BATMAN!! Stop! You're crazy!
  • Charlie: I had a good teacher. (laughs madly) Say goodnight, Gracie.
  • Joker: No! Batman! BAATMAAN!! How long have you been there?
  • Batman: Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.
  • Charlie: You know he'll just escape again! This is the only way my family stays safe!
  • Joker: Alright, you win. Take it easy, here's everything on his blasted family. Names, addresses, it's all there! You're not fun anymore, Charlie.
  • Charlie: Hey Joker! - Gotcha!
  • Batman laughs
  • Joker: (Annoyed) Ooh, very funny... a million laughs.
  • Batman: Go home, Mr. Collins.
  • Charlie: Home. I never thought that could sound so good. I wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meat loaf.

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