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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Mad As A Hatter" from season one, which aired on October 8, 1992. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension.

JERVIS TETCH

  • Jervis Tetch: (after a mouse drops a tiny tea cup) Oh dear! Such table manners! Perhaps I can make you act a bit more civilized! Haha! Bravo! Haha! They all laughed when I said I'd find a way to tap in other creatures's mind! Why, with this band and these electrodes, I could control anything!
  • Alice: (bursting into Tetch's office) Psst, Jervis--
  • Tetch: Oh... Alice! Oh-- W-what a nice surprise!
  • Alice: Yeah, yeah-- Look busy! Oh- Dr. Cates; Mr. Wayne! - Right this way!
  • Marcia Cates: Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.
  • Tetch: H-hello...
  • Bruce Wayne: Of course! I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential. Sounds intriguing!
  • Tetch: Actually...the prototype isn't quite ready, yet--
  • Cates: Tetch! I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr. Wayne, a little more than lame excuses!
  • Tetch: Sorry...
  • Bruce: That's alright, Dr. Cates. Mr. Tetch is a valued member of our research team. I'm sure we can spare him more time.
  • Cates: As you say, Bruce.
  • Tetch: Thank you.
  • Cates:You got off easy this time, Tetch, but heads could roll if you slip up again.

AFTER BRUCE AND CATES ARE GONE

  • Alice: She's always like that when the big boss drops by. Cheer up! Mr. Wayne knows what you mean to the company!
  • Tetch: Oh-- sometimes Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me.
  • Alice: That's just what my boyfriend says. I guess I'm lucky to have two such amazing men in my life. See you after lunch!

ON HIS LABORATORY

  • Tetch: Of course, intellectually, I know it's all wrong! She's got a boyfriend after all. Better to withdraw like a gentleman. Forget her. Turn my heart to other pursues. - Never! Look! I've already developed a circuitry card powerful enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her "boorish bo" and love me! Uh-- but that would reduce her-- to a soulless shell-- oh no... not my Alice... oh-- it's hopeless...

TETCH LISTENS TO ALICE CRYING ON THE OFFICE

  • Cates: Oh Alice, I'm sorry.
  • Jervis Tetch: Curiouser and curiouser.
  • Alice: I just wanted to talk about where our relationship was going and Billy got so defensive!
  • Cates: Hmm... classic male fear of commitment!
  • Alice: The next thing I knew, we were shouting-- screaming... saying we never wanted to see each other again!
  • Tetch: O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! She's mine for the asking! I'll sweep her off her feet! Treat her to a wonderful night on the town and-- and nothing... Oh, what could a beautiful girl like her ever see in someone like me... how could I impress her?... (grabbing his cards) How indeed...

WONDERLAND GOTHAM

  • Alice: Jervis?
  • Tetch: Good evening, Miss .......... I'm here to help you forget your recent heartbreak. Gotham can be a Wonderland, Alice. Tonight, let me be your guide!
  • Alice: I'll get my coat.

MOMENTS LATER

  • Thug #1: Did you see that? Gotta be the batcreep!
  • Thug #2: Hey, easy money headed our way!
  • Alice: This is really a surprise, Jervis. You're so... quiet, at work.
  • Tetch: Still waters run deep, my dear. It's always been my philosophy that people should take what they want from life.
  • Thug #1: Hey, ours, too. Okay Mr. Hat, let's have the money!
  • Tetch: On your way, curs, lest I'm forced to teach you a lesson!
  • Alice: Jervis, no!
  • Thug #2: It's your funeral, nutboy! (Tetch puts the cards on their heads) Please, Mr. Hat, go easy on us.
  • Thug #1: We're sorry. Honest.
  • Tetch: Why don't you do something useful, like... oh... go jump in the river.
  • Thug #1: Okay.
  • Alice: Are you alright?
  • Tetch: I'm sorry you had to see that, but they had to be taught a lesson.

AT THAT MOMENT

  • Alfred Pennyworth: Dare we hope Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir?
  • Batman: I should be so lucky. (Police signal starts flashing) The police emergency band just switched on.
  • Alfred: Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast. Toast, coffee... bandages.
  • Batman: Goodnight, Alfred.
  • Police Radio: All units, all units: Two possible suicides spotted scaling the Gotham Bridge Suspension Tower. All units, please respond.
  • Batman: Guess I'm elected. (Prepares the Batmobile for ejection) Engage. (After reaching the top of the tower) Lousy night for a swim.
  • Thug #1: Mr. Hat told us to jump in the river.
  • Batman: Ri-ight. You guys stay calm and--
  • Thug #2: Gotta do what Mr. Hat says.
  • Batman: Stop-- NO!
  • Thug #2: (after Batman saved them) Hey man! Keep away from me! We never touched the creep.
  • Thug #1: Okay, maybe we hit him up for money, but we nev--
  • Thug #2: Hey-- what are we doing here?

MEANWHILE

  • Antoine: Monsieur Tetch, I have created a gastronomical delight for you. All on the house of ..........
  • Tetch: Thank you, Antoine.
  • Lady Photographer: Pardon monsieur Tetch, but would you be son kind as to favor us with a photo for our celebrity wall?
  • Tetch: Enchante, my dear.
  • Alice: I had no idea you were such a man-about-town!
  • Tetch: Ah, this is a side I share only to those closest to me.

AT STORYBOOKLAND

  • Guard: Don't forget to lock-up when you're done, Mr. Tetch.
  • Tetch: Right-o! (Entering Alice in Wonderland Section) You know, Alice in Wonderland was always my favorite story. Do you remember the mock turtle song? "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

AT THE BATCAVE

  • Alfred: When you showed that strange card, I recalled an image from my childhood. Seems those near suicides, have been running with the so styled, Mad Hatter!
  • Batman: I saw that picture earlier today! In the office of a scientist, who creates circuitry similar to this!

FINALLY

  • Alice: Thank you for a wonderful time. You're a terrific friend!
  • Tetch: Until tomorrow, dear Alice. Tomorrow and everyday afterward.
  • Alice: What a sweet, funny man!
  • Billy (as Alice enters her home) Alice.
  • Billy: Baby, I'm sorry. Can we talk?

THE MAD HATTER

  • Mad Hatter: "Will you, won't you, will you"-- Ah, good morning! Hello! Good to see you! Lovely day, what!? - "Will you, won't yo"--
  • Alice: Oh, Jervis! Thanks so much for cheering me up last night! Listen, I have the most incredible news! Billy was there after you dropped me off, he apologized, I forgave him and then-- he gave me this! (shows her engagement ring) Can you believe it? I'm getting married! - Jervis, your hand!
  • Mad Hatter: Oh--eh... I-it's nothing... forget it... and congratulations.
  • Alice: Jervis? Jervis??
  • Mad Hatter: I can still fix this! I can still win!
  • Cates: TETCH! I don't know what you did, but Bruce Wayne is demanding to see you, now! I promise you Tetch, it's your head if you've gotten my department in any trouble!
  • Mad Hatter: Oh, do be quiet, Dr. Cates!

HOURS LATER

  • Bruce: Excuse me, Alice. Have you seen Marcia or Jervis Tetch?
  • Alice: Oh, they left together about half an hour ago.
  • Bruce: Together?
  • Alice: (picks the ringing phone) Hello? - Hi sweety! (whispers to Bruce) -"my fiancé"-
  • Bruce: -"Congratulations"-
  • Alice: Billy, what's wrong? You sound so... What? - But why? Billy? Billy! - Excuse me, Mr. Wayne, I think I'm gonna need a minute alone.
  • Mad Hatter: Sorry, Billy, me lad, but all's fair in love and war!

LATER AT ALICE'S PLACE

  • Mad Hatter: Alice, darling! I had to come back when I heard that "cad" abandoned you again.
  • Alice: How did you know? I didn't tell anyone...
  • Mad Hatter: Oh, pish, tosh. What matter now is that we have each other! Now and forever!
  • Alice: This is getting too weird.
  • Batman: What have you done to Marcia Cates and this girl's fiancé?
  • Mad Hatter: No, I don't like this game. Let's play another! - I anticipated any trouble sooner or later, so I enlisted some help. I'm sure you recognize my friends the walrus and the carpenter.
  • Alice: Why are you doing this?
  • Mad Hatter: For us, my dearest! Oh believe me, I didn't want it this way.

SHOWDOWN IN WONDERLAND

  • Mad Hatter: Twinkle-twinkle, little bat; how I wonder what you're at! - Now, this is a game more to my liking! Are you, the famous Batman, so intent upon destroying my happiness that you'll hurt these poor mind-warped innocents to get me? Let's find out.
  • Marcia Cates: (As Queen of Hearts) Off with his head!
  • Mad Hatter: Oh, one thing I forgot to mention. My control over my pawns increases their strength! Haha, guess you found that out!
  • Cates: Off with his head!
  • Billy: (Batman removes Hatter's card) Batman!
  • Cates: There's the knave! Off with his head!
  • Batman: They're programmed to attack me, but they won't fight you!
  • Billy: I gotcha!
  • Man #1: (Billy removes the card) My aching skull!
  • Mad Hatter: Oh, come my dear. It's time we were away! - You're mighty in Gotham, Batman, but in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter reigns supreme. - I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!
  • Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet... A soulless little doll.
  • Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her.
  • Billy: (After the Hatter has been defeated) Alice?
  • Alice: Oh, Billy!
  • Sad Hatter: Would not, could not. Would not, could not... oh, could not join the dance.

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