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This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "The Laughing Fish" from season one, which aired on January 10, 1993. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension.
THE FISH
- Fisherman #1: Ok, let's see what we got! Ugh! It's impossible!
- Fisherman #2: I'm gonna be sick!
- Fisherman #1: All of them with the Joker's face!
- Fisherman #3: Looks just like him! Can't be!
- Fisherman #2: Call the police!
- Batman: He's made his move!
AT THE BATCAVE
- Alfred: Dining in tonight, sir?
- Batman: The dissection tray, please, Alfred.
- Alfred: Any idea what our happy friend is up to now?
- Batman: Normal criminals usually have logical motives, but the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.
THE PLAN
- Harley Quinn: Look-alive, wage-slaves! Presenting; that Khaleef of clowns, that mogul of mounty banks; the one and only Joker!
- G. Carl Francis: Great scott!
- Joker: Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mr. -eh- Francis! Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.
- Harley: Enchanté!
- Joker: And Mr.s'... eh... their names escape me for the moment. No matter! We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.
- Francis: A- arrangements?
- Joker: For my fish, of course! This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design. So don't speak to me again. k'? Now, what is everyone in town talking about!
- Francis: Uh... your fish?
- Joker: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!
- Harley: Oh, fish stink-a-rooney! (Sprays gas on Francis) All better!
- Joker: As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bears my famous, and frankly, fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich? Fifty cents for sardines! Millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle! So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.
- Francis: No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource!
- Joker: But they share my unique face! Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches!
- Francis: I can't help it! It's the law!
- Joker: Oh, tryin' to cheat the Joker, are ya? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh! You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all. HA-HA-Hahaha!
- Harley: Bye-byye!
- Francis: He's crazy!
THE LAUGH
- TV Host: Coming up next: Marlot Benson has a special report on the "Smiling Fish" epidemic. How safe are gotham waters?
- Batman: Well, he's not out to poison people. This diluted toxin only affects fish.
- Alfred: Maybe he's trying to make us all die from disgust.
AD STARTS PLAYING ON TV
- Harley: They're finny and funny and oh so delish! They're joyful and jolly Joker fish!
- Joker: Say, mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight?
- Harley: What'll I feed the family tonight?
- Joker: Harr! Try me famous Joker fish! There's Smilin' Smelt, Gigglin' Groupe, and Happy Haddock!
- Alfred: This could cause a stampede to pork.
- Joker: Yummy yum yum! Eat it.
- Harley: Uh, Mr. J? I have this little problem with fish. (She's forced to eat) Yummy yum yum!
- Joker: Yes, friends, that's Joker fish. Tasty, tempting, and of course...
- Henchmen: Naturally low in cholesterol.
- Joker: Coming to your local store! Just as soon as that nasty old G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!
- Harvey Bullock: Change the channel!
- Police Officer: It's on every station!
- Commissioner Gordon: Get a trace on that signal! Now!
- Joker: I hope you've changed your mind, Mr. Francis. Because I haven't changed mine!
- Bullock: Relax Mr. Francis, I got men posted on every window and every door. Nobody sneaking in here tonight!
- Batman: If I got in this easily, so will the Joker.
- Bullock: Hey, hey! This is police business, hold your bat-butt outta here!
- Gordon: Hold it Detective! No one knows the Joker's methods better than Batman. He stays.
- Bullock: Glory-hogging, long-underwear geek!
- Francis: Uh, Batman? Why is this happening to me? I've never done anything to this Joker. I'm just a paper-pusher. I can't change the laws. I'm harmless.
- Batman: And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr. Francis. -- Feeling alright?
- Francis: (calmly) Oh, sure. It's just that everything's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me.
- Batman: (to Gordon) GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!
- Francis: What?!
JOKER GAS HAS AFFECTED FRANCIS
- Batman: He'll be alright once the anti-venom kicks in.
- Bullock: I don't get it! We all breathe the gas and we're not smiling!
- Batman: He didn't want us. That gas is part of a binary compound. The Joker exposed Francis to the other part when he threatened him this morning.
- Joker: This just in. Former copyright director G. Carl Francis will be taking an extended vacation. Looks like he's having more fun already! But I'm not happy! If I don't get legal claim to my fish by 3 AM, the number 2 bureaucrat Thomas Jackson will feel my wrath! And now, Batman, 'cause I know you're watching, here's a message from our sponsors!
- Harley: They're finny and funny and oh so delish!...
THE CAT
- Officer #2: All units, keep your eyes open for anything!
- Bullock: I'd like to go on record and say this Batman business is the lamest idea that I--
- Gordon: Duly noted, Liutenant! But we're gonna try it his way to protect Mr. Jackson. - Nearly 3 a.m., and not a cackle from that hyena.
- Bullock: We must've scared 'im off!
- Gordon: What's that?
- Thomas Jackson: Just my cat.
- Batman: A Joker fish!
- Gordon: It's affecting him! Lookout!
- Batman: Even drugged, the cat went straight for his master.
- Bullock: Oh, this is just dandy, Commish! Your pet bat's playing dress-up while the Joker's poppin' off pencil-pushers right and left! Well, I ain't sticking around to see who's next! I got my own methods!
- Gordon: Bullock!
- Batman: Commissioner. Have a look at this fish. It's a Japanese Tang. Not native to Gotham's cold waters.
- Gordon: So where did it come from?
THE BAIT
- Harley: Freeze, copper! I gotcha covered, see?
- Bullock: Well, if ain't laughing boy's little hench-wench! ......gun, sugar.
- Harley: Do tell!
- Bullock: What!?
- Joker: Whooo! Look at what I caught! Kind of ....., though. I'm gonna have to throw it back! - You know, Bullock, you may be a lousy cop, but you make a terrific worm!
- Bullock: You won't get away with this!
- Joker: He's right, y'know.
- Harley: You're kiddin'?
- Joker: If this lunch meat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind. And why spoil my sharky's appetite, when I can feed him bigger fish?
- Harley: Eee-yuck! Again with the fish! I HATE fish! (notices Joker's glare) Uh, no offense, Mr. J.
- Joker: Poor Harley, this caper's been kinda rough on you, hasn't it?
- Harley: Uh huh.
- Joker: Cheer up! You can be my very own little mermaid!
- Harley: Ooh! (Joker shoves a fish head costume on Harley's head) You're really sick, you know that, Boss?
- Joker: Mmm Hmm.
THE BAT, THE SHARK AND THE CLOWN
- Joker: Now this fella here. . . came with his own grin! See the resemblance? And check out my catch of the day!
- Batman: Bullock.
- Bullock: I didn't need no Batcomputer to tell me that wired-looking minnow came from an aquarium!
- Joker: Yes, well, this is all tremendously boring. 'Course I can always amuse myself watching ol' Harl give my shark indigestion!
- Harley: Yeah!
- Batman: WAIT! Let him go! I'm the one you're after.
- Joker: Gee; and let my little guppy go hungry? I don't know... What do you think we can do about that! -- You're right, Harley. Fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Ha! Talk about a happy meal! ... You never could take a joke!
- Bullock: He doesn't stand a chance against that monster!
- Joker: Yeah... catch!
- Bullock: Hey! -- Hey! HEY!
- Joker: Oopsie!
- Batman: (to Bullock) You okay?
- Bullock: Just give him one for me, will ya?
ON THE ROOFTOP
- Joker: Meanwhile, back at the wrench! Since my side-splitters don't tickle you, how 'bout a skull-splitter?
- Batman: There's no place left to go, Joker.
- Joker: See Batsy! I think of everything! (Jumps to the ocean... where the shark is waiting)
MOMENTS LATER
- Harley: Oh my poor, poor puddin'.
- Bullock: Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.
- Harley: Yeah. I'm really going to miss him!
- Gordon: Do you think he's gone for good?
- Batman: Believe me, Jim, I wish it were true, but deep inside, I doubt it.